How To Enjoy An
Orgasm During Masturbation
- discover the pleasure of sexual self-touch and come to orgasm!
Sexual pleasure is both physical and
mental. What feels pleasurable to you is the combination of mental
imagery, sensations, beliefs, feelings and the physical pleasure you get
in your body.
The physical pleasure of orgasm is
felt in your body, while the accompanying mental thoughts and feelings
either add to or detract from sexual arousal and pleasure.
Obviously many things contribute to
this combination of physical and emotional pleasure, and what exactly
this is for you will be a mixture of things unique to you.
But do you have any idea what goes
into the mix for you? Are you aware of the ways that you like to be
touched that will give you pleasure? Do you have a sense of the
thoughts, images, fantasies and feelings which will help you to feel
Do you have a sense of how you like
to touch yourself to give yourself sexual pleasure?
If you aren't aware of these things,
then this exercise will help you understand what it is that gives you sexual pleasure now, and will do so even more when you are less
conflicted about sex. There is nothing wrong with wanting to experience
pleasure, nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy the capacity for orgasms
that your body can give you.
Whatever lessons you were taught as a
child, overtly or covertly, the thing to keep in mind is that your body
is not just a vehicle for sexual pleasure for someone else, though it
may be very good at fulfilling that role.
Your body is a vehicle for your own
physical pleasure, your own orgasms, and your own sexual fulfillment.
But of course your male partner may wish to share the possibility of
sexual pleasure with you..... indeed, he may wish to give you an orgasm
Masturbation - or self-pleasuring -
is a great way to learn what kind of touch pleases you and arouses you
sexually. It's also a way of becoming more familiar with your body and
learning how to enjoy sex - and hopefully experiencing orgasms.
You may feel some shame or guilt
around using the word masturbation, but the message we would like to
convey to you is that masturbation is normal, natural, healthy and a
very good thing!
Apart from increasing awareness of
your own body, it can help you to enjoy sex with a partner since you
will be able to convey to your partner what pleases you and makes you
feel fulfilled during sex - as well as what is most likely to make you
Self-pleasuring to give yourself an
orgasm - i.e. masturbation - will make you more and more comfortable
with orgasm and more and more comfortable with sexual experiences.
The more orgasms you have, the more
relaxed about sex you'll become, and you'll be able to share these
experiences of sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner more easily.
You'll also experience a greater
sense of control over your own body, a fact which can be important if
this control was taken away from you by someone during childhood.
Greater ease with your body leads to
greater control over your sexuality and a greater likelihood of orgasm.
Knowing that you are in charge of your body is a powerful way of coming
to enjoy sex more: you know that if your body is your own territory,
it's up to you who you share its pleasures with - you are free to make
an informed choice around sexual issues.
To reassure you that masturbating is
normal, we should point out that a majority of adults masturbate, both
men and women. It's a healthy, normal and natural thing to do, a
supplement to sex, not a substitute.
Married men and women masturbate, as
do single men and women, whether or not they enjoy good sex lives.
And in no way does masturbating make
you abnormal, inadequate or a sexual failure. Far from it - as we have
already said, masturbation to orgasm enhances your sex life; in fact
masturbation makes it even easier for you to enjoy your own orgasms
since you have a greater sense of control over your body, and you know
what excites you sexually. Here are some statistics from a survey of
hundreds of women.
How women reach orgasm
When asked if they
masturbated, the responses were as follows:
82% of women masturbate
15% of women do not masturbate
3% of women didn't reply
Of the women who said they masturbated:
66.0% reached orgasm "always"
29.3% reached orgasm "sometimes"
3.0% reached orgasm "occasionally"
and just a few reached orgasm "rarely"
When requested to provide some details
about how they reached orgasm through masturbation, nearly all women said they masturbated by playing with their clitoris and
73.0% played with their clitoris and/or vulva
while lying on their backs
5.5% did the same while lying on their stomachs
4.0% pressed or thrusted their clitoral/vulva area against a soft object such as
3.0% pressed their thighs together rhythmically
2.0% used water massage from a shower head
1.5% used vaginal penetration exclusively to reach orgasm, and
11.0% of women used more than one of the above methods to masturbate
And if you're wondering how you compare in
terms of frequency of masturbation:
39% of women claimed to masturbate daily
61% said they masturbated once a week or less
When asked if they incorporated
vaginal penetration as part of masturbation, fewer
than five percent said they always engaged in vaginal penetration during masturbation;
about another ten to fifteen percent of the
respondents said that they did at least sometimes.
These women would put things in their vaginas
for longer or shorter periods, often one or two fingers, sometimes candles,
other household objects, or sex toys.
Sometimes a woman would put her fingers in
her vagina just to collect some of her natural lubrication to apply to her vulva
or clitoris while she masturbated. Sometimes the penetration was brief, just at
the moment of orgasm.
Overall, the figures are hard to analyze, but
what is very clear is that overall, penetration is less important than clitoral
stimulation to the majority of women during masturbation.
When they do penetrate themselves, women tend
to fall about 50:50 into the two camps of moving the fingers or object
in-and-out or putting it in and leaving it there.
A small number of women enjoyed anal
penetration during masturbation.
If you masturbate you won't feel
less desire for your partner because there's no specific
number of orgasms you need each week - which means that masturbating
will not make you want sex with your partner any less than you do
In fact masturbation is actually
likely to make your sex life better since we know that women who have no
orgasmic experience through masturbation find it difficult to become
orgasmic with their partners.
You need to know how to have orgasms
alone before you can enjoy orgasms during sex with your partner
(whatever that means, whether intercourse, masturbation, or oral sex).
By the way - you won't become
dependent on masturbation for your orgasmic pleasure, either!
Think of it as an adjunct to your sex
life, one that can greatly enhance your sexual pleasure, and you can see
how being able to masturbate to orgasm is of great benefit to your
sexual self-awareness. And if you can show your partner how you like to
be touched, he will know how to give a female an orgasm much more
You're going to need about an hour
for this exercise. Start by enjoying something that makes you relax -
perhaps sunbathing, time in a hammock, or a warm bath. Set up a pleasant
environment, using music, scents or whatever decoration you need to make
Use oil as you touch yourself, or
anything which makes you feel more relaxed and luxurious: silk fabrics,
lotion, or whatever.
Smooth the oil onto your body and
gently run your fingers over your body, feeling the sensuous touch as
you touch skin against skin.
Play with your breasts, thighs, and
belly. Try different types of strokes and different ways of touching
yourself. Get into the touch - place your attention wherever your touch
Enjoy the sensations, and focus on
them so you are not distracted.
Move your fingers down to your labia
and find your clitoris. Stroke gently around the area, doing whatever
feels best: you might like to run your fingers up and down your labia,
across the opening to your vagina, and then up and around your clitoris.
Experiment until you find something
that works well for you. Try one or both hands, perhaps with
one hand touching or penetrating your vagina, and the other playing with
Try different pressures and strokes;
as you play with the sexual parts of your body, try touching other, less
sexual, areas at the same time.
Focus on what feels good and do more
of it - and try and abandon yourself to the feelings, reveling in the
sense of pleasure that your body can give you.
If you find that you get tense as you
try this, exhale deeply and let your body relax as you do so. When
you're ready, you can come back to the present......
Try to let go of any particular
expectations, just allow yourself to experience whatever you feel in
your body. If you feel happy and relaxed, that's enough. If you don't
feel any pleasure at all, it's OK.
Just notice how different types of
touch affect you, notice which you like best and notice any different
feelings in different areas. It's also useful to try this exercise at
different times of the month.
Women's responses to sexual and
sensual touch can vary greatly according to their hormonal cycle.
Sometimes you may become aroused very quickly, sometimes it takes ages.
You might find that the same strokes
and movements can drive you wild at times but only feel gently
pleasurable at others.
And there might be times when they do
nothing for you and you feel you really can't be bothered! This is
normal. You may also find you have a different response at different
times of day. Listen to your body and don't try to force anything.
If you have just
tried this exercise for the first time, take a few moments afterwards to
think about how it felt, and how you feel now.
Did you have
different sensations in different places?
What did you
What didn't feel
Were you conscious
of feeling pressured to get aroused?
If so, next time
remember to focus on the sensations themselves rather than where you
think they should be taking you.
Did you find the exercise repellent
or upsetting in any way? Then slow down and focus on relaxing more.
Remember this is about you
learning about yourself and becoming more comfortable with your own
body. When you feel ready to try again, choose a quiet time when there's
no time pressure and you know you won't be disturbed.
Do one of the relaxation exercises
first and aim to spend only a few moments touching your body. Increase
the time gradually as you become more comfortable with the process.
If after several sessions you
continue to have negative feelings such as fear, shame or anger then
take some time to think about what these emotions might be telling you.
Perhaps there is a past experience or
unpleasant memory influencing how you feel and blocking the good
Noticing and exploring these negative
feelings can help to take away their power. Name the feeling and decide
where in your body you feel it most. Imagine its shape and color in your
If you want to, you can draw a
picture of it. Focus on it in your body and in time you may feel it
getting smaller and weaker.
If this process is really challenging
you may want to try some of the following ideas and activities to help
And if sexual difficulties
still prevail, for men it may be helpful to read more information on how to
bring a woman to orgasm - and that means before or during sexual
intercourse begins, so that he can give her the highest level of sexual
pleasure in the way she desires.
That can produce a much closer
relationship and allow a couple to experiment with new sexual techniques
such as aspiring to simultaneous orgasm.
For a man to be able to do this,
however, he will need an effective premature ejaculation treatment, but
this is good, because it all contributes to both personal and sexual
development, as using new sexual techniques can stop boredom, allow you
to find new areas of sexual skill you were unaware of, and enjoy sex
much more than before.
SOME TECHNIQUES FOR EXAMINING AND CHANGING
1 Think again about the names
you have given to your negative feelings. Try to be specific and
accurate. For instance, do you feel revulsion or is it shame? Is it
shame or guilt?
Is it shame about sex in general or a
particular sexual activity? The reason for doing this is that the more
specifically you can identify the feeling, the easier it is to change or
2 Think again about why these
feelings might be arising. Very often they originate from past events or
from childhood conditioning. In many families sex and genitals are taboo
subjects and the child learns that certain parts of their body are
unmentionable and to be kept hidden away.
Since the female
genitals are less prominent than the male penis, many girl children grow
up without even knowing what this part of their body is called. Popular
euphemisms are "down there" or "down below".
Did this give you
a negative view of your own genitals?
grandparents, teachers or other children tell you that sex or genitals
Were you punished
or discouraged from touching your own genitals when you were very young?
Or is it not only
sex but the concept of pleasure that is difficult?
3 Now look again, as an adult,
at whatever beliefs your childhood experience gave you.
Do you still
Do you feel they
are really serving your best interest?
Does it really
seem wrong to touch and explore your own body?
Do you really
believe it is wrong to enjoy relaxation and pleasure? Is some kind of
fear holding you back, and if so is the fear rational or irrational?
If a close friend shared a similar
problem with you, would you advise them to hold on to their childhood
patterning or gently dismantle it?
4 Are you uncomfortable with
your body generally, or only with your sexual body? In either case, why
do you think that is? How does it affect your life?
5 You can develop an
affirmation (or more than one) to help you diminish the power which
these negative beliefs and emotions have over you.
You can say the affirmation (a
positive statement) aloud each day, or write it out several times.
Saying it out loud to yourself while looking in the mirror, morning and
night, can be very effective.
Give yourself a smile too! If you use
the affirmation every day for at least three weeks it is likely that
your brain will begin to shift the old negative patterns.
Your affirmation(s) or positive
statement must be personal to you. It needs to contain positive
language, and it needs to be in the present tense. For instance, "I
appreciate and enjoy my body", not "I will be less negative
about my body". Here are some examples of affirmations to help you
develop your own.
"I am a grown adult and my body
is mine to enjoy and have control over."
"I am taking the first step
towards a more fulfilled life."
"My childhood experiences belong
to the past and I now choose to let them go."
"Exploring my body is natural.
Enjoying pleasure is natural."
"I am grown up and I choose to
reject my parents' fears and beliefs."
"I enjoy looking at my
face/hair/skin/eyes. It is also normal to enjoy all the other parts of
"My breasts, vulva and clitoris
show that I am a grown woman. They can give me and my partner a
lot of pleasure."
"The part of me that wants to
grow and change is more powerful than the old inhibited
"It is my right as a grown woman
to enjoy pleasure through my body."
"The part of me that's negative is gradually fading, and the part
of me that wants to grow and change is getting stronger."
Some unfortunate health issues which may
affect your sexual pleasure and enjoyment
include acid reflux - the discomfort of
lying down or the exertion of lovemaking can
be very disruptive to sexual harmony. For
such problems, you can almost certainly find
acid reflux remedies online, and this
should significantly improve your enjoyment