How To Become Orgasmic
Of course, how you feel about your body is related to many things. But high on the list are:
This might be something as apparently insignificant as an adult paying inappropriate attention to your genitals while washing you, to full scale sexual abuse. And it's how you, the child, interpreted such events that will have determined the long term impact those events have had on you.
As far as reaching orgasm is concerned, you can see that the effect of the same experience may be very different for different individuals.
Later in life, the impact of how your early boyfriends behaved towards you (if you had any) has another major impact on your attitudes to sex and your own body, and your orgasmic capacity.
The questions below are designed to encourage you to understand at least some of the things that may have led you this point, where you are working hard to regain your rightful sexual pleasure and your ability to enjoy orgasm.
You don't have to "do" anything with the results...just think about each question and consider how these events may have impacted you. If you have profound insights, so much the better! Give yourself time to consider these questions properly....read through the questions first, then come back and answer them individually.
How You Feel About Sex and Your Body
Family Background - Then and Now
Having An Orgasm During Sex
One of the most important aspects of the questions above is what they reveal to you about your attitudes, beliefs, feelings and values around sex. None of us grows up in a perfect environment, and the potential for sexual issues to arise, even from innocent events, is vast.
As you may know, however, it isn't traumatic events per se which cause sexual problems later in life. It's how you, as a child, interpreted their meaning, with or without the support of an adult, and what conclusions you drew from them that is most important.
It is that meaning which colors your emotional life, which leaves you with inhibitions or blocks around aspects of sex, and it is that meaning which ultimately determines how you see yourself.
And if you still are a woman in a couple with sexual difficulties, there may be some very useful resources you can use on line.
For example, men who need to know how to men coming too soon can find some very good self-help treatment programs on the internet, which can not only help them to last longer in bed, but also make them much more self-confident and effective lovers.
Stopping PE is not hard but does require some persistence and a willingness to adapt the techniques you have used before during lovemaking.
But this is good, because using new sexual techniques can alleviate or prevent boredom. Finding out how to make a girl orgasm before intercourse begins, and being able to give her sexual pleasure as she desires may permit you to develop a much closer relationship and perhaps even enjoy simultaneous orgasm.
Since children are very different, there is no easy way to predict what the consequences of a particular set of experiences will be, nor to determine who among them will be sexually inhibited as an adult and who won't be, in response to particular events, environments and circumstances.
But if there are common themes among adult women who have trouble reaching orgasm, they center on family backgrounds where religious strictures about sex were firmly applied, or where moral codes were in force that implied sex was dirty, wrong, or sinful.
Of course, since one very clear religious principle is that sex is a gift from God, you can see that when children grow into sexually inhibited adults, it isn't even the so-called moral or religious precepts which are the cause of the problem: it's the way your parents enforced or applied them, communicating indirectly or directly to their children that sex is somehow sinful.
Clearly, children who are punished for sexual acts or thoughts are also likely to grow up into sexually inhibited adults.
And things get communicated - even without words - so, for example, if the parents' disgust or shame around masturbation is clearly communicated to the children, it's likely to be a source of sexual conflict in later years.
In fact, this can certainly be strong enough to inhibit the ultimate form of sexual pleasure - orgasms.
Many women feel they could be more aroused (and/or orgasmic) if their partner spent more time on foreplay or more time making love, especially including foreplay "out of the bedroom".
And that is true, but somehow it avoids the responsibility a woman has for ensuring she can bring herself to climax rather than relying on a man to give a woman an orgasm. This may fit with men's desire to be seen as providers, but it is not a mature responsible position for a woman to take.
In other words, if they enjoyed non-sexual touching and affectionate gestures during their daily life. But it isn't always easy to say what you want during sex, and asking for these things may be challenging.
It's also important to remember that many, if not a majority of, couples have sexual problems!
In several studies, the levels of dissatisfaction among women with the sexual aspects of their relationship - particularly orgasmic potential - have been as high as 50%, with almost as many saying that they sometimes have difficulty getting aroused and reaching orgasm.
About 15% of women could not orgasm at all.....a finding which has been repeated many times.
And of course, a bad first experience is likely to leave a woman with a conflicted attitude to sex, which means she may be unable to experience orgasm.
Such a bad experience can take many forms, of course, but child abuse, rape, coercion, and physical or verbal abuse are high on the list of likely causes of anorgasmia. Think about this: is is true for you?
One of the most unfortunate aspects of childhood abuse is that it may distort the adult's ability to love and be loved freely: for example, sex may become a tool for acquiring favors, monetary or otherwise, or sex may become a kind of currency which is exchanged for affection or love from one's partner.
In such circumstances, a relationship of emotional and physical equality is almost impossible. More importantly, perhaps, the physical and/or emotional security which might make it possible for a woman to reach orgasm is missing.
The very positive thing for all women in this situation is that the reactions you learned to the original trauma, the best adaptations you could make at the time, but which now which keep you from reaching orgasm, can all be changed - so the possibility of enjoying a fully orgasmic sexual life is a real one, well within your grasp.
Things You Need To Know About Sex And Orgasm
At this stage, you may already have gained some insight into why you are having trouble reaching orgasm.
But that in itself isn't enough to bring about change, though of course it's a good first step. That's also why we have these helpful exercises sprinkled throughout the website. That way you may be able to move away from depending on a man knowing how to give women orgasms on every occasion they have sex.
Our next challenge to you is to consider whether or not you believe any of the falsehoods that exist about sex in general and female sexuality in particular, and, if you do, to consider whether you need to hang on to them or you can abandon them in the trash can of history in your quest to be come orgasmic.
The following statements are all
about female sexuality!
For one thing, this depends on what you mean by sex - very few women reach orgasm through intercourse alone, without additional clitoral stimulation. About seventy percent of women reach orgasm regularly through masturbation without difficulty.
Only one woman in ten or so will enjoy an orgasm during intercourse without additional clitoral stimulation. About twenty percent of women under thirty have never had an orgasm.
Multiple orgasms are common
It's our experience that a small minority of women orgasm more than once - or wish to do so - during sexual activity. Indeed, when women do have multiple orgasms, they often say that they would rather have one big bang orgasm than a series of smaller orgasms.
A woman is less sexual after pregnancy
This can happen, but just as many women become more sexual after pregnancy.
There's no sex (or orgasms) after the menopause
Many post-menopausal women - who no longer need to fear pregnancy - become much more sexual and relax into a kind of mature sexuality where they find it much easier to reach orgasm.
Vaginal orgasms are better than clitoral orgasms
A vaginal orgasm is really a G spot orgasm, and the G spot is a sensitive area of tissue in the vagina which, once awakened to sexual stimulation, can produce very pleasant waves of orgasmic energy.
It's not better or worse than a clitoral orgasm, just different, and the two can occur together. We'll look at this issue in more detail later.
Women don't like porn
Well, it turns out women get just aroused physically as men looking when they look at porn, at least if vaginal lubrication is anything to go by. They may not feel mentally aroused, however, because the "connection" between them and their partner is missing.
A sexual woman can reach orgasm easily
Giving a woman an orgasm is sometimes hard and sometimes easy. Whether a woman reaches orgasm depends to a large extent on whether she feels emotionally and physically safe and secure, and perhaps more than anything on whether or not she trusts her partner.
Then again, women, like men, are different, and some will need much more physical stimulation than others to reach orgasm.
A "decent woman" never loses control during sex
A lot of women believe this is true, but there are an awful lot of men out there who wish they didn't! The myth of feminine sexual energy somehow being bad or even evil (certainly slutty) was based on a patriarchal society where female sexual energy was to be feared, and women were slaves to their husbands, who wanted them to be good mothers and companions.
The truth is that among more enlightened cultures - like the Hindus - female sexual energy is revered, quite rightly, for its power, its quality to transform and the sheer joy it can bring to sex!
Orgasms are a gift from the Gods! Come on girls, let your Goddess out! Stop being so restrained, and let go during sex!
Sexual fantasy is bad
No, it's only fantasy, a mental expression of sexual energy. It's normal and natural, and as long as it's not acted out it won't do any harm. (Sometimes even when it is acted out it won't do any harm!)
Other facts about sex - things which are true (not necessarily related to having an orgasm):
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Other Pages About Anorgasmia