How You Feel About Sex and Your Body
Like most women, you were probably never shown what the adult female sex organs looked like when you were a little girl. In fact, culturally we're so inhibited that the idea of a mom showing her daughter what an adult woman's body looks like, and naming and explaining the clitoris, breasts and vulva to her daughter, may seem definitely weird.
It's in a repressed sexual environment like this that we grow up: so we have little information about sex, no encouragement to explore and enjoy it, and no positive talk about our bodies - especially their sexual parts.
We know nothing about orgasms, nor why people have sex, and probably not even how babies are made!
Of course this only reflects our parents' embarrassment about sex - but the absence of discussion and the reproaches directed at a little girl when she explores her body in a way that her mom or dad finds unacceptable all lead to shame and guilt, a sense of sexual inhibition, and, as by now you may have realized, a lack of orgasms in adult life.
With this upbringing, as an adolescent girl, if you had masturbated to orgasm, you'd have had no frame of reference to measure your experience, and you'd almost certainly be left feeling guilty about one of the greatest of human pleasures. Better, then, not to masturbate at all!
When a girl begins to menstruate the shame and embarrassment can be profound, especially if her mother is too disgusted or embarrassed to talk to her about it. Such fluids emerging from the body are often seen as disgusting in some way.
It's a fact that whatever the feelings of her parents, a girl will pick up on them and take them as a sign of the way she should feel about her body.
Do we ever celebrate this important coming of age, a girl's first menstruation? No.....and yet, that is a basic part of a woman's self-image, the sign of her developing female sexuality, her potential for sexual orgasm, and her astonishing ability to nurture new life in her body. Surely that needs to be celebrated?
So most of us are never encouraged to discuss natural things like the sexual parts of the human body, even though these are of great interest to us all!
What chance do we have, therefore, of ever being at ease with out bodies, and enjoying relaxed, easily attained orgasms without inhibition?
That's a good question, in a world where every detail of female appearance is regarded as having a certain standard which women need to aspire to, and orgasm is supposedly the objective of "good" sex.
If you don't manage to look right, or have orgasms, then it's understandable if you feel ashamed of yourself, or at the very least inhibited around sex?
Very few girls are encouraged to examine their own bodies with acceptance, admiration and love in an accepting uncritical way. Even where sex education is provided, and assuming parents want their children to receive it (always a big "if"), the various parts of the female genitals are rarely explored in terms of variation, structure, and function.
When, for example, did you discover you had a clitoris?
Do you see how, in this situation, it is possible that one way of responding is to abandon any sense of responsibility for your own pleasure? To allow your partner to take full responsibility for knowing how to give you, a woman, an orgasm? Thereby letting you "relax" and continue to fail to take responsibility for your sexual fulfillment?
So when did you discover your body - your clitoris - had the power to give you orgasms? (It's the only organ in the human body devoted solely to pleasure, orgasmic pleasure in fact.)
When did you find out where your vagina was located? And when did you first smell and taste your vaginal secretions - if you've ever done that?
(If the thought of tasting your vaginal juices seems disgusting to you, then we'd invite you to consider why this is so. Such reactions to a natural part of the body imply some level of shame or inhibition.)
It's often the case that negative feelings about your own body can contribute to sexual inhibitions and a lack of orgasms - and the best way to release these inhibitions is to do, in a relaxed and shame-free way, what you've never done before....take a look at your own body and other women's.
More specifically, we invite you to take a long, full look at your genitals and then compare them with photos of other women's to see the full glory of your body.
The next step to learning how to give an orgasm to yourself
(As well as having a man who knows how to give a woman an orgasm around you!)
Learning to love your vagina, clitoris, labia and vulva!
This pages has lots of information about how adult women feel about sex, their genitals, orgasm and masturbation.
We include information from various reliable surveys which asked women about sex and orgasm: the least surprising conclusion, perhaps, is that women harbor a great deal of shame about their bodies.
To help you overcome this, we'll offer several suggestions about how you can learn to love your vagina and vulva.
There's a lot of material on orgasms in Shere Hite's The New Hite Report: The Report On Female Sexuality Updated published by Hamlyn in the UK in 2000. Also helpful is The Big "O": Understanding Your Orgasm And Your Partner's by Dr Delvin and Christine Webber, the UK publishers of which are Hodder & Stoughton (back in 1995).
Women thoughts and feelings on their genitals
A large number of women think their genitals are "dirty". These expressions of negative self-image shock many men, since cunnilingus (oral sex on the vulva and clitoris) is extremely arousing and enjoyable
The question was "What do you think of your vagina and genital area?"
34% of women responded by saying they liked their genitals
and thought they were "beautiful"
The questions was "Does your vulva and vagina smell good or bad?"
30% said they it smelt
"good" or "great"
What women think and feel about sex and their body, and some thoughts on orgasm and becoming orgasmic, and reaching orgasm during sex or masturbation
A high percentage of women enjoy cunnilingus very much but the number who reach orgasm from it is less than you might expect. It seems women are held back from enjoying orgasms from cunnilingus because they fear they smell bad - or that their vulvas smell bad!
It looks as though the shame which women have about the smell and taste of their vulva inhibits their capacity to enjoy oral sex and stops them from reaching orgasm.
There is certainly a lot of shame attached to the appearance and scent of the vulva and vagina: one woman's comments sum up what a lot of women think: "Deep down I'm always afraid my cunt smells and tastes bad."
With gentle encouragement from a partner, though, this can change: one woman observed that she loved how her cunt smelt - it really turned her on, and it was all due to her husband encouraging her to accept, as he did, that her own body's scent and tastes were a delightful aspect of her femininity.
One of the themes from these surveys is that women prefer female bodies without overt sexual signals, for example, when details of a woman's genitals can't be seen in a photograph.
This may be a cultural force that makes women more acceptable if they are not overtly sexual, but whatever the cause, it's clear there is a desperate need for greater self-acceptance in women.
We'd also do well to appreciate the magical fertility, splendor, fecundity and richness of the female body.
How to love your vulva
Some things to try on your own
Your vagina is an amazing place of love, creative and spiritual energy during sex, a source of joy to you rand your partner, and the magnificent location where man and woman's sexual desire and energy meet.
Its scent speaks of rich fecundity, sexual desire, of fertility, and of course of you, and it is very attractive and highly appealing to your man, who desires your unique smell and taste as he desires no other.
If you can enjoy it more, and come to accept it for the wonderful thing it is, so much the better. A great way to start this process of self-acceptance is to explore it with all your senses - touch, smell, taste and sight.
Start by taking some time out of your routine to look at it. Make sure you are comfortable, warm and relaxed, without distractions and then take off your clothes.
Enjoy the sensuous experience of undressing and then being naked. Find a mirror and take a look at yourself.
But don't criticize what you see as the faults of your body. Rather, try to celebrate it. See the voluptuous, or the elegant, or the precious aspects of your body in all its rich femininity. After all, this is about celebrating the femininity that lives in you - and, of course, in your vagina.
Lie down somewhere comfortable and let your hands play sensuously over your whole body, smoothing over each piece of skin, recognizing how it feels. Let your hands drift to your pubic mound, your vulva, and, when you feel the time is right, to your clitoris.
Simply let yourself go - enjoy this sensual exploration of your more sexual parts. You may or may not masturbate, but this is more about appreciation and exploration. This begins with you being relaxed and familiar with your body.
Do you think you see your body as your partner sees it? Have you heard him criticize it? If not, could that mean that, actually, it has more going for it than you allow yourself to recognize?
Now slide your fingers along the length of your labia, over your vulva, and as you do so see how warm and smooth (or not) it is, consider whether your vulva is warm, or hot, or cool. How swollen is it? How moist or dry? Is it hidden or open?
Now part your labia and slide your finger gently into the vaginal opening, sensing the reaction of your body to touch. Consider how you feel emotionally about exploring your body in this way
Think about how your vagina feels: are you aroused? Are you moist with natural lubrication, or not? Run your fingers around the opening of your vagina, over your clitoris and also round and through your pubic hair.
This secret place is the heart of the physical side of your femininity, one obvious and glorious aspect of your sexuality. Touching your clitoris so that it becomes aroused, swollen, and excited.
See if you can feel the energy flowing in and out of your vagina; can you sense the energy deeper inside your vagina? Now is the time to honor yourself for being truly feminine, with all the qualities which that implies.
If you feel awkward about any of this, forgive those who made you ashamed and decide now that you can relinquish their emotions and take a different view of things as an adult woman, able to think for herself.
Once you have become comfortable with this degree of intimacy with yourself, sit up with some cushions and observe your genitals in a mirror.
Hold the mirror so you can see between your legs and study the reflection of your vulva. See the curls of your pubic hair, then take your labia, long or short, and tease them apart so that you can see the rich red and pink colors of these special areas.
Gently find your vaginal opening, the powerful opening to your feminine world. Men have given their lives for this, and women have given birth to new life through it. Value it as it deserved to be valued: admire it from all angles.
Your truth is that you are beautiful, whatever you look like: whether you have large or small labia, a large or small clitoris, sparse hair or plentiful hair, you are beautiful - regardless of what you were taught to believe about yourself.
Your body is like all the other feminine bodies - a manifestation of female energy in the world, and your vulva and vagina are a beautiful part of it all.
Should you be aroused, why not enjoy some further play? Enjoy the sensations as you become aroused, see how the colors change and the moisture flows.
Watch as you swell to the burgeoning rhythm of your sexuality, pronouncing the glory of your genitals, of your body and your femininity. If you have a partner, imagine how excited he will be when he sets eyes upon the most feminine part of you.
Enjoy the amazing experience of becoming lubricated as your arousal rises. Let your fingers explore your clitoris and the opening of your vagina: if you wish, or feel moved to do so, taste and smell your juices.
There is nothing shameful about doing this - this is your glorious scent, a scent which speaks of womanhood. Enjoy the smell and the richness of your body, and let your hands run over your body to reinforce the delight you feel in your own sensuousness.
And so that you can fully appreciate the endless variation of the female form, here are a set of photos which will emphasize how varied the female form can be. Whatever you look like - you are normal!
Things you may not know about your genitals
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