Tips For Both Men and Women
How To Have An Orgasm During Sex or Masturbation
Having sex does not necessarily mean having sexual intercourse.
There are plenty of other forms of sexual activity which a couple can enjoy, all of which may or may not give you an orgasm, and all of which may or may not take the place of sexual intercourse for a couple during a session of sex.
In other words, sex does not begin and end with intercourse, though it is fair to say that for most men it is an important aspect of their sexual lives.
But it can be very freeing to get away from the belief that makes sexual intercourse the most important (or even the only valid) form of sexual activity between a couple.
It may also take away pressure - both physical and emotional - if a couple decide to stop having sexual intercourse every time they get sexual and instead substitute masturbation, oral sex, cuddling, massage, sucking, licking, kissing and other forms of foreplay.
This may well enable men with premature ejaculation to control themselves much better, and to enable men with delayed ejaculation to reach a level of arousal at which they can comfortably ejaculate.
It follows from this that there is absolutely no reason to feel inhibited or guilty about not wanting sexual intercourse!
If a man has erection problems, or a woman is
menstruating, sexual intercourse may not be desirable or possible,
anyway, and it's at times like these that you need to substitute other
So what we need to understand better here, of course, is the connection (or lack of it) between love and sex - what makes us fall in love, what makes us feel sexual desire, and do they always (or never) go together?
What may be different - especially for men - is the psychological and emotional associations of penetration, dominance, thrusting and so on.
That does not matter. Not having intercourse may make the next session of sexual intercourse even more exciting! The point is that there is nothing wrong with not having sexual intercourse and putting other activities in its place.
It's also important to know that sexual intercourse does not generally make a woman give way to orgasm without additional clitoral stimulation. So if you're having sex, and you're not reaching orgasm, don't worry!
The best way to get around this is to ensure that the man knows how to give a woman an orgasm, and that she knows the way he likes to be pleasured.
How a man can give a woman an orgasm
Very few women do reach orgasm during intercourse, and it appears that most who claim to have an orgasm during intercourse do so because they or their partner is stimulating their clitoris.
It's actually quite natural not to have an orgasm during sex - the pleasure for a woman may come from seeing her partner enjoy sex so much, feeling her desirability (it can be very important for a woman's self-esteem to know that she has this sexual power over a man), seeing and feeling him ejaculate inside her, and so on.
As long as she gets an orgasm at some point, through manual play (masturbation, to be less coy) or oral sex, then all is well.
If your husband or boyfriend is having trouble with reaching the point of ejaculation during sex (or, for that matter, if he is unable to slow down or delay his ejaculation) then it is wise to seek professional help as soon as possible.
A Note For ALL Women and Their Men!
The fact that you do not reach orgasm during intercourse does not mean that your lover's penis is too small or too big, your clitoris is too small or too big, you're unresponsive, unattractive, sexually shutdown, inhibited, insensitive or unloving.....or anything else, either.
You need, as always, to talk to your partner about what the issues are for you both in sexual intercourse and how you reach orgasm.....so think about these things:
While it can be hard to get over the idea that intercourse is the most important (perhaps even the only genuine form of sexual expression), the reality is that there are many valid ways to enjoy sexual intimacy, and provided a couple have a close emotional relationship, these alternatives are just as enjoyable as sexual intercourse (though they may feel different). There are of course many other possible scenarios for a couple around sexual intercourse! The man may like it, the woman not so much.
The woman may see it as the ultimate form of connection, the man as a quick way of releasing the sexual tension he feels.
Sexual intercourse carries a lot of emotional significance, so spend a little time now just thinking about what it actually means to you both, what it signifies, and what meanings you derive from it and how these relate to your relationship. So does being able to enjoy sex with some grace and enjoyment.
Sex can be a way of expressing emotion, care, concern, affection, and also of "saying" things that are unspoken within the relationship.
If you can attune your sexual responses to each other, then you have a much better chance of communicating all the things which sex means for you.
Hence, as always, we come back to the importance of direct and open communication in your relationship.
As the process of sexually unfolding proceeds for you, you will discover new things about your sexual needs which you did not know before you started this program.
This may mean you need to adapt your sexual pleasures to accommodate these discoveries - for example, you may need to change the way you have sexual intercourse so that it accommodates both partners' feelings of love and sexual desires....a man may want to have rear entry sex, for example, because he finds it so exciting, while this may be a challenge for a woman who feels as though she is being made into a sex object by what she sees as the impersonal nature of this form of intercourse.
Orgasm and sexual intercourse
If you desire to have orgasm during intercourse,
there are several ways you can give way and yield to the process, making
it more likely you will have an orgasm when you make love.
If you are enjoying greater levels of sexual arousal and orgasm at least some of the time, then you are well on the way to your goal of becoming fully orgasmic. It doesn't matter how you are achieving your orgasms.
Do more of what is working for you - whether this is with your partner or on your own.
You may find it easier to be
when you have nobody to think about other than yourself. Or you may find
the presence of your partner exciting and stimulating.
Of course, if you feel it is best for you to go ahead and enjoy intercourse without arousal or orgasm, then please do so....but if you are not aroused, then do try to use some lube that will make the experience more pleasurable for you and your partner if you are not already producing adequate natural vaginal lubrication.
Sexual intercourse and you - the
route to orgasm
As you become more sexually aware, more orgasmic, you will enjoy sex more and more and find that your arousal increases and you slip naturally into the experience of sex.
But until then, you may find that various feelings and emotions come up which make it hard for you to enjoy sex fully.
Suppose, for example, that feelings associated with past negative experiences of sex come up: the easiest way to deal with these is to talk to your partner about them and express them, rather than hold them inside.
Discharging them is much healthier and more likely to assist you
letting go of sexual inhibitions. In addition, sharing your feelings will
bring you closer as a couple, and it may also help you to achieve your
objective of reaching orgasm.
It is a fact that within a relationship, the giving and receiving of orgasm is not one partner's prerogative.
A man needs to know how to give a woman an orgasm, and a woman needs to know how to give a man an orgasm.
Sometimes one partner holds a belief or a desire which he or she is not willing to relinquish, even though it conflicts with the other partner's feelings and emotions.
Sometimes you just have to learn to live with these differences; sometimes you need to try and work out a compromise; sometimes, one partner may decide that it is necessary to give something up or to do something for the sake of the relationship.
Here are some general guidelines which may help you when you face a situation like this:
Physical issues and problems around intercourse
It's odd but it's a fact - men worry about penis size - a lot! And to make things a bit more equal, we should acknowledge that some women think their vagina is too small.
While it is true that penis size and vagina size do vary, there is almost never a real problem. Rather, these are things onto which people project their deep sexual worries and concerns, so much that the issues can come to have a real existence and occupy the minds of the man and woman concerned.
If you are still worried about the physical anatomy of sex, let's look at some facts. The vagina is a potential space rather than a hollow tube, a space which opens out when a penis enters it.
No vagina is too large - even if you feel that there is room to spare inside your vagina, you can always use Kegel exercises to tighten the musculature and grip your lover's penis more tightly. This will give the man more pleasure and may prompt the woman to yield to her own orgasm.
As for length, the vagina expands to accommodate all but the very longest of penises. There are many good sexual positions here for men and women where the man has a large penis.
And if sexual difficulties still prevail, they may not be entirely due to penis size. Often some kind of sexual dysfunction is affecting sexual performance - anorgasmia or delayed climax in the case of the man. And other issues can prevent a couple achieving high levels of sexual satisfaction.
Overcoming sexual dysfunction is not hard but requires persistence, though it lets you find new areas of sexual skills to try with your partner, and you should therefore enjoy sex much more than ever before. Giving sexual pleasure - especially bringing a woman to orgasm - is not too difficult.
While it is true that women may prefer a thick penis to a thin one, because this stretches the vagina and gives a feeling of fullness, penis size is much less important in general to women than men think it is.
For a woman, the joy of sex is not just about feeling her vagina filled with a penis, but also centers on the emotional connection, the intimacy, and the expression of love. This is why it is important for them that a man knows how to give a woman an orgasm. The fact he takes the time and trouble means he loves her....
Vagina and penis size
And since the clitoris is the main organ behind a woman's orgasm - and that's true for almost all women - the size of the penis inside her vagina is rather irrelevant to her chances of reaching orgasm and enjoying sexual intercourse.
What this all amounts to is that the pleasure of sex is not just a physical thing, it's much more about how you connect with each other and how you relate to each other than anything else.
If you have any kind of pain during intercourse then it can be serious or it can be trivial: it may be a sign of an infection, or it could just be that the angle of the penis in the vagina during thrusting doesn't quite suit you. If you think you have any kind of infection, then certainly you should see a doctor.
As for dyspareunia, a name given to a wide group of conditions which manifest as painful intercourse, the most common problem is that a woman is tense during intercourse, as a result of which her vaginal muscles are tight - this can make penetration uncomfortable.
A combination of Kegel exercises and relaxation just before sex may help you to achieve orgasm. However muscular reactions like dyspareunia are often due to aversive events - perhaps sexual abuse during childhood - which need therapy to alleviate their effects.
Having said that, you should always bear in mind that sometimes the simple solution is the best - is this a question of needing more lube? If so, choose a good artificial lube and use plenty of it.
And if it helps you to feel relaxed, take control during sex: guide your lovers' penis into your vagina with your hand, and take it in at a rate with which you feel comfortable.
Try a slight bearing down with your vaginal muscles during penile insertion. This may help because you cannot tighten your vaginal muscles at the same time as you bear down with them.
There are certain positions which make insertion easier. For example, the female on top positions make insertion easier, and you can then move into any other position you choose before you begin thrusting and lovemaking proper (although, why not stay in the woman on top position?)
All of these things take some practice, so don't worry if you feel awkward initially. This is only natural! Slow, gentle foreplay and talking things over with your partner before sex may be enough to cure the problem.
If not - you may wish to see a doctor who can treat the condition or a therapist who can take you deeper into the issues underlying these sexual problems.
When you're a man discovering how to give a woman an orgasm, you may find that giving her a peak sexual experience is harder than you think.
Enjoy Sexual Intercourse More - Giving A Woman The Orgasms She Desires
You may not be surprised to learn that men often enjoy sexual intercourse more than women. However, pleasure taken from sex depends very much on the couple, and the level of comfort that each member of the couple has with sex. It's also about the simple mechanics of sex - the penis does not stimulate the clitoris during thrusting, so the woman gets less physical pleasure from this than the man gets as his penis thrusts in her vagina.
There is of course no reason why a couple should not use a finger or two, or a sex toy like a vibrator, on a woman's clitoris to give her additional pleasure during intercourse. Please be aware that this need for extra stimulation is normal. Most women need it if they are to reach orgasm during intercourse.
And in fact most couples will get to their orgasms in this way: the man will have an orgasm during intercourse, while the women reaches orgasm during oral play or masturbation beforehand.
Why all this fuss around having an orgasm during sex? Well, a lot of this has to do with misinformation.
Many women are taught, or absorb the knowledge, that the vagina is the primary female sexual organ. The clitoris tends to be much less well-known and appreciated!
However, it is the clitoris that is the route to sexual pleasure for the great majority of women. Stimulating the clitoris during intercourse is more or less the same as stimulating the penis for a man.
If you find that intercourse alone is enough for you and you don't need clitoral stimulation to get pleasure from intercourse (whether you have already had an orgasm or not) it's always a good idea to be as aroused as possible before intercourse commences.
And be sure to let your partner know how hard and fast you would like him to thrust - that way, you can maintain your arousal at the high level that will give you more pleasure.
When you switch from finger play with your clitoris to intercourse, you may feel that your arousal has dropped - that's why it is a good idea to keep stimulating the clitoris so that you can enjoy ongoing arousal.
If you want to rely on vaginal thrusting alone to maintain your arousal, then it is likely that you will want your man to be able to continue thrusting for long periods before he ejaculates.
Remember that men will not know what you desire at any particular time - for example, you may feel in need of different kinds of stimulation at different times in your monthly cycle.
In all cases you should feel free to communicate your desires to your partner so that he can give you the pleasure you wish from sex, whether this involves additional clitoral stimulation or not during intercourse.
What of simultaneous orgasm?
The idea of simultaneous orgasm is a nice, romantic one, but very few couples actually enjoy the pleasure of simultaneous coming during sex. Indeed, trying to make this happen can lead to you getting hung up on timing, who's going faster and who's going slower, what to do if you aren't both as aroused as each other, and so on.
The pressure this produces can interrupt the natural flow of events towards a successful sexual outcome, and can lessen your sexual pleasure. That's the way a man can successfully give a woman an orgasm.
Trying to hold back if you are getting more aroused than your partner can result in your natural progression towards orgasm coming to an end altogether.
Sex tends not to work so well when you are thinking more about your partner's pleasure than your own (unless you are taking in in turns, one at a time, to reach orgasm).
For women in particular,
focusing on things like when you're going to reach orgasm may in fact
prevent you from having one at all!
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